Some mornings I open the blinds and hope the sunshine will remind me of the light. I drink coffee and hope the caffeine will shake the weariness from my soul. I wake up feeling like I have nothing to give the day, and maybe a bit like the day has nothing to give me.
What am I doing?, I ask myself. What is the point?
I am determined to focus on what I have power over and not on what I cannot change, but I still have moments when my inability to protect what I love is paralyzing.
I don’t want to hurt like this – not now and not ever again. I just want to go back to the image I had of my life – the expectations, the dream. I see the perfect family picture and I don’t want to look away. I don’t want a new picture. I don’t want to change my expectations. I want to be God so that I can make this right. I want to be God so that I can fix what’s broken. Sometimes, it is too scary to trust.
In my state of restlessness this afternoon, I checked the Bible app for the verse of the day: Be still and know that I am God, Psalm 46:10.
It is good to stop, sometimes – to take our eyes off our expectations, our dreams, our wins and losses. It is good to be still and know that we are welcomed into the presence of our creator, the source of love, the author of peace.
I am not God, and though I often wish I was, I know that is just a temptation, just a mirage. I can’t be God in my own life or in anyone else’s, and that is by design.
One thing my pastor told Jensen and me (while he was patiently sitting with us after Brody’s death), was that God is a God of relationship. He is not relentlessly asking us to do – His ultimate purpose for creation was not to see what we could produce.
That is such good news. That is what I need to remember when my heart feels weary and feeble and inadequate in the face of the life I want to create. The purpose of every day is not to wake up and produce – though I sure do enjoy a productive day. The purpose of the day is to wake up and love. God’s ultimate purpose for creation was love, and sometimes, I just need to be still and remember that.