People keep asking me, “How are you?” and “Are you okay?”
I have no idea what to tell them. In most cases, I just don’t answer. It’s become a complicated and complex question for me now. “Okay” is a word I’m not even sure how to define in my present situation.
I know the question comes from a desire to help and to provide an opportunity for me to express how I’m feeling.
I think what people must mean at a time like this is: “Are you about to become hysterical?” or “Do you need me to come over right now to be with you?” I think that’s what they mean, and I am truly grateful for the concern. I’m humble enough to recognize that I need to be checked up on right now. But I still haven’t figured out how to navigate this question.
If I were to answer bluntly and honestly, I would have to say: “I am not fine. I am not okay. And I do not want to say that I am. However, in this moment, my needs are met and I am lucid. I hate my present circumstances, but I am still able to love myself. Check back soon.”
But I do not say that, because that is just weird.
Robert Fulghum (I have no idea who that is) said: “Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it.”
Conflict is very much a part of my life right now. I am not okay and I do not want to say that I am. But I do want you to know that I have peace. I believe I will be okay. I can see blessing all around me and I am grateful. I hurt a lot – in my spirit, soul and body – but I am coping with it, for now. Check back soon.