Yesterday at dinner, Bryson told us that he had one more plan – one final idea for how we can see Brody again. We’ve apparently convinced him now that Brody is not coming back to life, so he’s been thinking about what else might bring us back together.
“I miss him as much as you do,” he said. “I love him as much as you do. And I have one final idea and that’s to kill ourselves.”
My incredible husband stayed completely calm. He got out of his seat and went right next to Bryson to help explain to his hurting heart that it just doesn’t work that way.
I lasted about 25 seconds before I left the room and cried.
I recognize that Bryson isn’t suicidal. He loves life. He knows he’s loved. But wow. What a thing for a kid to lay in bed and think about. What a plan to make to see your little brother. My heart aches.
After dinner, Jensen led an object lesson with Bryson and me. He had us stand on opposite walls of a protruding corner so we were close to one another but could not see each other. Then he took Bryson’s hand and then my hand so we made a three-person chain. Bryson and I could each see Jensen, but we couldn’t see each other. He explained that Jesus is with us and he is with Brody. Just like Bryson and I were connected through Jensen, we are all still connected through Jesus. He told Bryson that he can talk to Jesus, and he can still talk to Brody too.
I am thankful for this. Sometimes I am deeply comforted by this truth. But sometimes it just does not feel like enough. I want more connection with my son than prayers and love letters. I want a relationship. I want to watch him grow.
Today, I took Bryson to the Forks to eat fish and chips and play in the splash pad. Being with him feeds the good wolf and reminds me that I will enjoy this life. He is a bright and beautiful light.
While we were eating, Bryson said, “Jesus is so powerful mommy, but he can’t do one simple thing!” Clearly exasperated he explained, “He can’t make Brody come back to life!”
“Jesus is so powerful,” I agreed. “He is the reason Brody can be in Heaven now. And even though Jesus didn’t bring Brody’s body back to life on earth, Jesus is the reason we will get to spend eternity together one day.”
But I also told him that I get it – I get how he’s feeling. It is frustrating and confusing and it takes a lot of faith to say that God is good, God is powerful and Brody is dead.
I keep telling God that I trust Her with all of this. I trust Her to help me parent Bryson through this tragedy. I trust Her with my aching heart. It feels entirely unfair, but I guess if it were easy and obvious, it wouldn’t be faith.