Welcome back

Today was my first day back at work since losing Brody.

Although, “day” is actually a bit misleading. I worked for three hours. Even “worked” is probably not an honest verb. I was there. I was in the building. Step one.

If anything makes me thankful for my wonderful job, it is that people have treated me like a person first and an employee or co-worker second. I have been appreciate and respected just for who I am. That’s a tremendous gift.

It’s not enough to silence the frantic voices in my head though.

I have to confront feeling remorseful, even though I have no good reason to apologize. I have to choose not to be embarrassed despite contributing literally nothing for the past two months. I have to remind myself that I am significant, when the reality is that I am basically just a liability right now.

I need time and help and understanding and I have to fight a lot of shame because of that. Acknowledging my present weakness requires a level of humility well beyond my comfort zone. But that is constantly where I am right now – far outside my idea of comfortable.

I need to remember that God did not make me to be fearful or timid, but to be influential, disciplined and full of love. That is true for me, even in my weakness.

I have a very blurry vision of the future right now; I don’t know what God will give me or when She will give it. But I pray She makes me something useful along the way. I pray that I see Her the way She wants to be seen. I pray I see myself the way She does.

And tomorrow, I will get up, get dressed for work, decide between waterproof or regular mascara, and refuse to feel pathetic regardless of which one I choose.

6 Replies to “Welcome back”

  1. Hello Myrrhanda

    I’ve had you in my mind, and my heart many times over the past couple months. I don’t know if the strength of the fellowship of women – more specifically mothers – has the ability to gentle touch another in need, but I like to think so.

    I am one who has struggled – one who is struggling. I don’t think the struggle leaves – it hides, but it’s always there. I am a sister who is lost, drowning, searching, coming up for air, slowly sinking again, moving one foot in front of the other, screaming, praying, fighting, looking, listening, doubting, and hurting deeper than one can possibly bear. Those are feelings that I carry – along with other feelings, feelings of joy, love, belief, strength, giving, sharing, trying, and persevering.

    I believe that some women are connected. I have a lot of thoughts about this, but don’t want to use this time to continue to talk about my thoughts or experience.

    I care so deeply about the loss of Brody. I close my eyes and exhale, and search to find some words, but everything I try to write – I end up deleting.

    We are, or I guess we “were” colleagues for the briefest of time. I saw you like sunshine. You have a brightness and an energy that made me think of the sun. I admire your intelligence, your beauty – inside and out – your ease with people, your smile, your eyes…. so much light.

    I think that you will continue to emote that light, but I know it will a different light.

    In the bond of sisterhood – I stand near, but far, but only far in location and time.

    Love and strength are my thoughts right now.

    Truly and sincerely, Kimberley

    1. Thank you for your honest and encouraging words, Kim – they mean so much. I appreciate you sharing a bit of your inner struggle. It’s helpful to remember that we all have pain that we have to choose not to let choke out the joy and the light.

  2. I must tell you that my heart soared when I read your Dear Brody letter. I never want to feel like I can’t mention Brody. NO, I did not at the birthday party but that was not a place to risk ripping the bandaid off and make you bleed. I just need to say that his short life was such a blessing to me. I am so grateful that God allowed us to love and enjoy Brody for as long as we had. I want to come to your house and see the large pictures that was at his service. I didn’t get to spend much time looking at them. Many prayers have been heard by God for you, Jensen, Bryson and all of us that are grieving. I agree that we are all going to be OK. Different, but OK nonetheless. Faith slips in and gives us peace sometimes when we least expect it…like the peace you felt when Bryson was riding his bike. Love you!!!

    1. Thank you, Mimi. I believe it will be easier to remember him as time goes on. It’s still very hard sometimes, but it’s worth it to push through that. He deserves to always be celebrated. Thank you for your love and prayers ❤️❤️

  3. I have to choose not to be embarrassed despite contributing literally nothing for the past two months.
    HA! You have contributed so much in the past two months. You have taught us, guided us, opened us up, inspired us, motivated us, caused us to reach deep and high. SHE’s working thorough you Myrr… and that’s a pretty significant contribution in my world. 😘

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