Today was my first day back at work since losing Brody.
Although, “day” is actually a bit misleading. I worked for three hours. Even “worked” is probably not an honest verb. I was there. I was in the building. Step one.
If anything makes me thankful for my wonderful job, it is that people have treated me like a person first and an employee or co-worker second. I have been appreciate and respected just for who I am. That’s a tremendous gift.
It’s not enough to silence the frantic voices in my head though.
I have to confront feeling remorseful, even though I have no good reason to apologize. I have to choose not to be embarrassed despite contributing literally nothing for the past two months. I have to remind myself that I am significant, when the reality is that I am basically just a liability right now.
I need time and help and understanding and I have to fight a lot of shame because of that. Acknowledging my present weakness requires a level of humility well beyond my comfort zone. But that is constantly where I am right now – far outside my idea of comfortable.
I need to remember that God did not make me to be fearful or timid, but to be influential, disciplined and full of love. That is true for me, even in my weakness.
I have a very blurry vision of the future right now; I don’t know what God will give me or when She will give it. But I pray She makes me something useful along the way. I pray that I see Her the way She wants to be seen. I pray I see myself the way She does.
And tomorrow, I will get up, get dressed for work, decide between waterproof or regular mascara, and refuse to feel pathetic regardless of which one I choose.