Three weeks today.
I’m numb and cold this morning. I feel like I’ve been wondering in circles, looking everywhere for a road that leads to Brody.
There is no road to Brody. There is no road to what we once had. But I don’t want to go anywhere else. How do I move forward when there is no road?
I asked God last night what I need to do to be happy again.
God said: Remember.
That’s a terrible answer, I replied. I want a different one.
So, God said: You can’t forget.
But God, do you know how much it hurts to remember?, I asked. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT HURTS?!!
And God answered: Yes.
Brody is worthy of being remembered, I know this. And of course, I really do want to remember every little thing about him that I possibly can. But I also don’t feel strong enough to remember. I haven’t found a way to remember – to feel the love I have for him – without wanting my heart to stop beating.
When I watch the video of Bryson and Brody sitting together on the couch, Brody in a fuzzy blue sleeper, Bryson reading him his favourite book – I see Brody’s sweet face follow along with each page, I see the way they love each other… and I absolutely can’t cope.
When I go in Brody’s room and see a closet full of clothes he used to wear, toys he explored and the books I would read him, when I see his crib and his stuffed pooh bear with the crinkly ears he loved to play with… I want to light it all on fire.
I have no peace in those moments. I have no peace when I remember. But that is what I need to do – the most excruciating thing – in order to heal.
Somehow, God will lead me to a place where I can remember Brody, embrace my love for Brody, and still have peace.
That sounds impossible. The remember road looks to me like pain unending. But I have to try. I don’t want to follow fear’s voice. I don’t want to go down the road of guilt and shame. So I will choose to follow God’s voice, however unbearable. I’m desperate. I can’t stay here. I really need somewhere to go.