Hosanna in the highest

We went to church this morning. Our first time as a family without Brody.

We drove past the parking lot for families with infants and toddlers; we can’t park there anymore. We walked past Brody’s classroom – that was the hardest part.

I walked those halls and wished I was holding 27lbs of happy, handsome Brody.

In the service, we sang Hillsong United’s Hosanna. The song was released when I was 22 and oblivious to how unfair life could be. I remember belting out the lyrics ten years ago, fully expecting that I’d work hard, be good, and get everything I wanted in life.

It’s a different song now.

The words are the same, but my heart is saying something different. Then, it was saying please give and thank you God for giving. Now, my heart says please take. Please, take my life and see if you can do something good with it.

I don’t want to work hard and be good just to get what I want anymore.

Getting what I want is wonderful. Not getting what I want can be total shit. But I’d like to find more meaning beyond all that.

As the song says:

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for Your kingdom’s cause
As I walk from earth into eternity

Hosanna in the highest

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