Today, I wore my favourite skinny jeans, I cleaned out a drawer and I shopped for wallpaper. It was a difficult day.
Those skinny jeans were the pair I threw on to rush Brody to the ER; I was wearing them when he died. The drawer was full of sippy cups and baby bibs. And shopping for wallpaper was fun – and it hurts to have fun.
I put on my jeans and I said “sorry Brody.” I cleaned out my kitchen drawer and I wanted to scream and swear and go back in time. At the design store, I went to the bathroom and told Brody that I loved him so much and didn’t want him to doubt that even though I was trying to move forward.
That is all very embarrassing to share.
But it’s really hard for me to move forward in these little ways right now.
Nice jeans. Tidy drawers. Paint chips. I don’t care about any of this shit more than I care about my baby. I would give it all up in a second for more time with him.
But there is nothing I have that will bring him back to me in this life. And that’s terrifying. It’s my worst fear realized. And I have to look right at that reality and walk forward.
I have to tell myself that Brody knows I love him. Moving forward doesn’t hurt him and it doesn’t push him further away. It feels like it does, but it doesn’t.
I honestly don’t know exactly where I’m trying to go right now – what healing looks like. I don’t yet have a clear picture in my mind. But I’ll just keep trying to make these little forward motions. One day at a time.
Yesterday evening, David and Bryson found a tulip growing in our back garden. To this day I am not sure how that tulip came to live in my flower bed. It just appeared one year and it is always the first flower to bloom. The ground appeared quite dry around it so I found the watering can and poured water on it. As I did I could hear Bryson say under his breath, ‘Feed the Good Wolf..Feed the Good Wolf..Feed the Good Wolf.”