What’s left to confront

I haven’t been posting much lately. I don’t know if that’s a concern to anyone, but it is to me. Blogging has helped me process some painful, even tormenting, thoughts. It has pushed me to confront the many ideas competing in my head before any unintentionally take root.

Blogging has helped me begin to heal. And I’m not done healing – far from it. So I can’t stop yet. But it’s been much harder lately.

Over the past six months, I’ve confronted absurd ideas such as: Brody’s death is my fault. I’ve decided I won’t ever try to forget him; our family will embrace his memory as best we can and celebrate the life he did have. Those felt like giant hurdles to overcome at the time.

But now, I’m not just confronting new ideas that have come to me as a result of Brody’s death. Now, I am confronting old ones – beliefs I’ve grown up with – beliefs I share with a massive community. This is a much scarier place.

I wrote a blog post weeks ago about how “the storm” left me with a great deal of uncertainty, even around some of my core beliefs. I didn’t post it. Maybe I’ll go back and post it. I’ll mark it as the date I wrote it so it will appear before this one.

I didn’t post it because, if I am ashamed of anything, it is that Brody’s diagnosis and death might have changed me. Even worse, it might have separated me from my church community in a way.

I’m not certain yet if that is true, but if it is, I don’t want to be ashamed of it. I am not someone who just picks the easy road or who believes whatever idea comes my way. I’ve never been that person and I’m certainly not that person now. I shouldn’t be ashamed to challenge ideas or confront beliefs. In fact, if I am too afraid to question my own beliefs, then how can I contend that I have any faith in them? If I really have faith in what I believe, I should be confident that it will stand up to my questions.

And if I find I have been wrong about something for years, isn’t that a wonderful discovery? It just isn’t wonderful at first – it is terrifying at first.

That is where I’m at on this journey, and I don’t want fear to keep me stuck here. I don’t know what I’ll find up ahead, but I don’t like where I am, so I just have to keep going.

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