Accepting the gift

I keep reminding myself of a sacred moment that happened right before doctors confirmed Brody was dead.

Someone was hugging me – someone who worked at the hospital. We were on the other side of the door to the room where doctors and nurses were working to resuscitate my son. Jensen was parking the car. He didn’t know how bad it was yet.

In that moment, God filled me with this consuming love; it was like being engulfed in beautiful light. And in my heart I heard Her tell me: Brody is going to die, and it’s going to be okay.

I wanted to hold on to that love forever. I still wonder now how I ever could have doubted that gift. But I did not want to accept that message. Everything inside of my forced out that light and rebuked it. Get away from me! Brody will not die!

But he did, and as I walk out that reality, I often wish God would give me another chance at that experience. I will say yes this time, I tell Her. Please, make that happen again. This time, I won’t let go.

I think the ball is in my court though. I think God is waiting for me. But I am still angry, just like I was in that moment. I am still rebuking God for what happened. I do not want to let Her back in. I still just want a different gift.

God, why would you come to me when you should have been there for Brody? How dare you tell me that it’s going to be okay? Why did you not just make it okay? What more did you need?

I don’t know. I have to accept that. I just don’t know.

And so often I get very stuck at that place. I know God offers us peace that passes understanding, but I desperately want to understand first.

I trusted and relied on God for a healthy son, for a good gift; I was convinced that was God’s will and God would make that happen for our family. All the other gifts that God is still offering me seem counterfeit now, or at least inadequate compared to what I lost.

That’s a lie though.

I have everything I need to get through this – not in myself, but in God and in the community God gave me. I have everything I need to get through.

So, I go back to that moment, and I work at making peace with what God said. I’m not there yet. I still rebuke it, again and again. But slowly, I explore it and confront it and let it do its work in my heart.

Brody is going to die, God tells me, and I will still love you.

Brody’s going to die, and I will still be a good God.

Brody’s going to die, and you will still have purpose, Myrrhanda.

Brody’s going to die, and you will still know joy.

Brody’s going to die, and you will not forget him.

Brody’s going to die, and I will still be here to give you peace.

Brody’s going to die, and he will go to a beautiful place.

Brody’s going to die, and you will see him again.

As I acknowledge the truth of each of these statements, I get closer to believing that it’s going to be okay. I have to trust that God’s gifts are still worth accepting. And as I choose to do that, the love and light can come back in.

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